Response of the Psyche to a Decision to Act 'Rashly'

Note:  the following dream (of 4/27/15) came after 3 days and 3 nights following my ‘rash action’ (totally out of my comfort zone) of contacting Senator Klobuchar and Representative Eric Paulsen regarding a possible re-staging of “The Golden Bough, a Fairytale Ballet for Children”* for the purpose of fundraising for organizations addressing the issue of human sex trafficking.  I have noted over the course of many years of studying my dreams that frequently (especially where there is a critical decision-making process going on) that ‘3 days’ seems to be the amount of time the psyche uses to process important events of the soul.  Presumably, it takes one day for the descent — for the message to make its way to the unconscious (e-mail doesn’t go between here and there); one day for the message to be processed, analyzed and responded to by the unconscious; and one day for the return trip to the upper world.  The 3-day motif is archetypal (e.g., something important always happens in fairy tales on the third day; poor old Jonah was in the belly of the whale for 3 days; and Jesus’ resurrection was “On the third day …”, following his “descent to the dead”).  
(For those of you who have never seen this full-length ballet, here is a 12-minute promo of Golden Bough )

The dream of 4/27/2014:

Some sort of risky operation is being performed on me, but the risk is necessary in order to save me.  The procedure is unusual and unproven.  It is not standard operating procedure and carries grave risks.  But without it, I will be crippled.

There are (I think) 3 male (?) surgeons who perform the operation.  After the operation, I am doing well and the surgeons and I are meeting in a large, square room when suddenly their superior, a woman who is in charge of all staff and procedures for the hospital, storms in through a door on the right, having descended on a staircase that leads down from the higher echelons of the hospital.

She is furious that protocol was not followed, that severe risks were taken when strict procedures were flouted by the surgeons, and that her authority has been sidestepped!

“Normally, you would be quite correct,” I say, coming to the defense of the surgeons, “But in this instance, had the surgeons not operated slightly ‘off-book’, I would surely not be standing here, but would be a cripple.”

[I wake up.  Our cat is pawing me and meowing in my ear, wanting her morning milk.  And my husband is about to leave for an early morning appointment.]

Commentary:

I lay in bed, half-awake, for just a minute longer, trying to remember the dream.  As I have done before with personae that appear in my dreams, I posed a question, asking the female Head Surgeon*, “Who are you?”  With nary a nanosecond pause between formulating that question in my head, ‘she’ answers emphatically:  “Hera!”  she barks.  Seriously, no one can make this stuff up; that is what ‘she’ said!   (* The title, “Head Surgeon,” is itself an interesting, almost humorous, motif to contemplate psychologically!)

Well, of course it is Hera — Hera, the arch conservative among the Olympians, she who is always miffed, always storming in wrathfully when she has not been consulted — she who is the guardian of the status quo and the protector of standard operating procedures; she who is wrathful when those standards have been abrogated; she who is always nagging Zeus about something.  She can cause a great deal of trouble.  She is, after all, the Queen of the Olympians (i.e., the archetypes that govern human life).

For a very long time now, I have been assuming that the voice in my head that has been nagging me to do something again with the Golden Bough was simply my ego, simply my stubborn refusal to ‘get a life’ and move on to other creative endeavors.  But the fact of the matter is that I have, more than once, changed course and “moved on” — on to a great many new and totally different creative endeavors (new teaching and chorographic successes, new books and articles, new and challenging situations, like teaching in the St Paul Public School system and teaching at competition dance schools which operate on a completely different cultural and business model than artistic organizations).

Still, for many years there has been the persistence of the idea that the ballet ought to be brought out from the shadows again.  Yet, for those same 8 years, another, much louder, negative nagging voice presenting a totally opposite opinion has held sway, telling me to be realistic, that such a cockamamie idea is impossible, grossly egotistical, and fraught with a host of problems.  This nagging ‘voice of realism’ has taken pains to point out that:  (1) the dance world and cultural tastes have changed dramatically and “The Golden Bough” seems no longer wanted and no longer ‘fits’ the economies of prevailing values; (2) the world has moved on and so should I; (3) God has not shown me that “The Golden Bough” ought to be done again, nor has God shown me what I must do. Sadly, too, I cannot tell sometimes the difference between my ego and God!  (4) I don’t have a studio; (5) I don’t have dancers and the staff of an organization at my disposal; (6) I don’t have money.  I live on a small Social Security payment.  (6) I’m old and my body, though quite strong for my age, is not what it was at age 56; (7) My husband’s health issues may require more of me than I can handle while trying to stage a full-length ballet, and in that circumstance staging a ballet would not be the responsible or the loving thing I wish always to do!  What possible good would come of losing my soul in work?  None!  And, (8) there’s the question, “Why do I need all the hassle of attempting to restage ‘The Golden Bough’ at this point in my life?”  Fighting the battles of egos and special interests, not to mention the legitimate concerns of dance studios which have their own agendas and clientele expectations, might very well be insurmountable and could topple the entire effort before it even gets started.  I would need a boatload of pro-bono legal, financial, tax, logistical, and promotional help if I were to attempt this.  Where am I going to get that??  I’d be completely ‘out on a golden (i.e., $$$$) limb’.  With all these negatives (which constituted ‘Hera’s’ commanding conservative hold on the inner world of my psyche) there are a boatload of reasons NOT to do the ballet again and only one really GOOD reason to do the ballet again — supporting a movement to empower women and girls and be a part of the effort to rid the world of sex trafficking!  Sounds like a pretty good reason to me!

All this being said, I have ‘a tribe’ — an amazing group of people that God has allowed me to know, love, serve, and be with on this journey I call ‘my life’ but which is not ‘mine’ at all.  I know that where I may be inadequate or insufficient or wanting, they are not.  I would not be attempting this alone.  I could not and cannot do this alone — especially now.  But the fact is, I have never ‘done it all alone’.  Never!

Last Thursday, for the first time I had asked myself:  What if I have been wrong about the persistent voice in my head that frequently keeps me awake at night?  What if I have misidentified the voice?  (See blogpost January 21, 2015:  "Don't Believe Every Thought that Comes Into Your Head"   )  (Recall that Hera is an inveterate negative nagger!)  What if, by assuming that the ‘nagging’ is ‘just my ego’ that wants to feel important and be in charge, I have in fact been rejecting what may possibly be a genuine call of the soul to do the work again — this time for a greater cause?  Those questions provided the impetus for me to change my s.o.p. and send out the emails to Klobuchar, et. ali., the following day on Friday.

I hold a healthy degree of skepticism about any ‘nobility’ of my personal motives.  I am not at all sure, nor, I suppose, can I ever be entirely sure — until the psyche or the universe responds (actually until both respond) — that I might be doing the right thing.  But by stepping outside of my comfort zone to send out my email on Friday (to Senator Klobuchar, Representative Paulsen, Breaking Free, and the Women’s Foundation of Minnesota), I am testing the waters, so to speak.  As I told friends, we shall at least find out whether or not this is the right thing for me.  If the thing doesn’t ‘grow legs’ then I have my answer, and I can dispose of the quest to bring back the ballet and turn myself towards other creative endeavors and more important life tasks before me.  It may be that my task is not to re-stage the ballet but to actually live its message.  As fraught with challenges as re-staging the ballet would be, the difficulty of actually living its message — attending to the 'fairy tale'/story/myth/opus that is living itself out in oneself has been — and is — infinitely more challenging.  There are actually many similarities.  However, there are far more serious consequences for not attending to the living out of one's real-life opus than there are for not mounting a ballet.  I do not, however, see the one as precluding the other.  The two may, indeed, be linked together.

My conservative self wants nothing more at this time of my life than regularity, order, peace, yet I am hounded by irregular sleep, by disorder and ‘war’ within, between the rational and the creative irrational that breaks in.  I feel pulled, ‘crucified’ between these opposites within my soul, and I don’t know how I can survive the conflict if I cannot sleep!!

With this dream, however, the psyche has responded (much quicker than the humans who have email capabilities, I might add).  So, in responding to ‘Hera’, I have actually ‘said’ and say now to her, “Yes, Hera, Queen of the Olympians, you are correct.  My actions have been completely insane and quite possibly egotistic.  My actions were also insane and egotistic way back in 1978, when I created my first large ballet (“Totentanz”) for St. Mark’s Cathedral, and again in 1996 when I first created “The Golden Bough” which ran for 6 seasons.  I know that this new endeavor — if by the grace of God it is begun — will upset the comfortable status quo.  It will most certainly upset life as I know it and may cause innumerable difficulties for me.  But you, Queen Hera, who are the preeminent protector of children and women, are needed here and now to help save many millions of them, and in saving them, save culture and civilization, which, as we all know, is your special area of concern.  Do not leave your servant a cripple.”  

Through this dream, the psyche shows me its view of the soul’s situation.  The soul has responded to the action I took on Friday, April 24.  The ‘masculine’ element of the psyche (the 3 operating surgeons in the dream) has intervened to fix the ‘crippled’ personality by changing the ‘standard operating procedures’ of the frightened, limited ego that fears to step out of its comfort zone.  The question is now:  How will the universe respond?  Perhaps a little bird will tell me.